A little IC in this OOC world
by Discord in the Playground
Summary: Truly, the art of characterization is lost.
1. Chapter 1

Aarindarius was slightly perplexed.

It wasn't the only emotion he felt, of course. After all, he had just come back from a meeting of the most important and androgynous wizards in the Elven Homelands to find his young student sprawled on the baker-in-training he (or she, he never quite could tell) courted during the little spare time he had, who herself (or himself, he wasn't so sure) was slouched on his couch with one leg on the low table in front of the couch and one leg under it.

His tower was completely upside down with burns on the walls and all over the furniture, dancing lights a little bit everywhere and the demon roaches he kept for study playing Parcheesi on a knocked down cupboard and making crass jokes about the boys (or the girls, he didn't know).

What mystified him however was the presence of a lampshade on his student's head. Nobody in the Elven Homelands used electric lamps, preferring candles and magical illumination. As a matter of fact, the only reason he knew it existed was because he was once invited to a mage's symposium where a gnome wizard had tried to mix technology and magic together to mount a lamp, which ended with a Chain Lightning wounding and stunning everyone in the room, himself included.

Good times, good times.

He picked up the lampshade and threw it over his shoulder without caring at all where it landed. They were still fully clothed and there was no trace of lipstick on their faces or any underwear hanging on the hallstand, so they'd been wiser than his friend Lirian and he at the same age.

He should be boiling with rage, but he wasn't bitter. This gave him the opportunity to finally do something he'd wanted to do for centuries; awake someone with Bugsby's Slapping Hand.

While reading a book and looking disinterested of course.


	2. Chapter 2

Some days are just not worth waking up for.

Retrospectively, it's somewhat my fault. I should have been more careful. You see, I have this one gold coin. It's the one dad used to teach me to be fast; he'd put it in his palm and I'd try to take it before he closed his hand. Well, if I hadn't come in Roy's room for his briefing while polishing it, I wouldn't have forgotten it there. So I wouldn't have had to come back for it. Or at least, I should have taken into account that Celia was around.

Let me tell you, Roy really has bad taste in women. Well, personality wise in any case. He's got pretty good taste when it comes to their looks. Miko was so gorgeous, I feel even Elan wouldn't be as sexy as she was if he turned into a woman. Damn, I'd kill for that body. And Celia isn't ugly either. But their personalities suck.

Now, I'm not a voyeur. Well, **that** kind of voyeur. I admit I did use to take a peek at Elan any time he showered before he became my boyfriend. And at Roy. Hell, even at Miko back at that inn that blew up. But I don't spy on people during their romance. So it's not like I **planned** to see them making out when I opened the door partway.

You know, in itself, it isn't so bad. I'm not a prude. It was just that they were... **cosplaying**. Mind, I've nothing against cosplaying as long as it's innocent enough, like I do with Elan when we dress up as each other and kiss. Elan enjoys wearing women's clothes and underwear a little too much if you ask me, but if that makes him happy it makes me happy too.

But no, Roy and Celia had to kick it up a notch. I'll give you three hints to guess who they disguised themselves as before macking on each other: sexy, redhead and fair skin.

You got that right. They were cosplaying as me. **Both of them**. Celia had a wig resembling my long hair and somehow got a hold of a leather armor looking exactly like my old one. This was creepy enough without Roy joining the fray. He was wearing a wig mimicking my current short hair and was dressed up like I currently was, leather tank top and shorts.

I guess being turned into a woman changed him more than I thought.

Turns out they both fantasize about me. I'd be flattered if it wasn't so goddamn creepy. I've never asked Elan to cosplay as Miko or V after all, no matter how tempting it is. I'd have screamed loud enough to be heard throughout the entire town, but my voice died in my throat. Maybe it's better that way, I really don't want to confront them about their little kink.

So that's why I'm here, getting as drunk as humanely possible in order to forget. Now leave me alone and let me drown my sorrow in cheap booze paid with the gold I stole from the other patrons.


	3. Chapter 3

Some days can be very surprising.

Or, should I say, very surprising compared to what my continuous membership within Sir Greenhilt's Order of the Stick has slowly used me to. All adventuring parties naturally have their fair share of surprises, but I am positive mine moreso than others. To mention only my teammates, I have witnessed a normally cool and composed leader be reduced to a male in heat clumsily trying to court the target of his attraction in spite of trying very eagerly to skewer him when he had felt no such weakness against a succubus, a wise dwarf smart enough to manipulate Miss Starshine into traveling with said paladin lose all trace of intelligence to attack trees on sight when he did not run away from them, a rogue lose her speech because of the loss of her hard-earned treasure and a pathological need for secrecy, a sociopathic halfling's resistance to the urge of murdering us all in our sleep and, surprise among surprises, Elan become actually competent.

On the subject of the party's bard, Miss Starshine's attraction to him has been an unfathomable mystery to me since the very beginning of our association. Why she chose him when she could have had, laughably easily might I add considering his weakness to good looks, something Miss Starshine certainly has plenty of, Sir Greenhilt is beyond my admittedly substantial understanding.

Ah, yes. I was speaking of surprises.

In retrospect, this surprise should not even have been one. The signs were there. Elan would do anything to please anyone, first of all the love of his life, and he had shown me in the past that he liked prancing about in wizard's robes. And Miss Starshine had already proved her interest, although she most likely does not remember doing so.

It had all started in a town like so many others. Not especially memorable at first glance, but holding a few places of interest for whom deigned to search. Such as a library that had a few works of study of magic I had never read. There also happened to be an university of theology, which explained why Master Thundershield was not present to prevent the incident.

I could postpone a meal for the sake of interesting books and so could Master Thundershield when an occasion for a debate over deities presented itself, but a long day of march had left Sir Greenhilt, Miss Starshine, Elan and the halfling starving. We had assured them, minus the halfling who naturally did not have such deference for us, that they could start sustaining themselves while we were away and that we would join their meal if we were finished with our activities before they were done.

From that day, I decided the halfling's hands should never be allowed within three feet of any of our plates or glasses.

My return from the library to the inn we were meant to rest that night was greeted by a scene that could have passed off as normal to someone foreign to the Order of the Stick. Miss Starshine was smiling sheepishly as she talked to a pepperpot whereas Elan was feverishly making out with Sir Greenhilt, thinking he was Miss Starshine ("Oh, Haley, you taste so much sweeter than usual tonight!"), while Sir Greenhilt eagerly kissed back, also thinking he was Miss Starshine ("Haley, if you knew how long I've waited for this!"). A hideous laughter immediately designated the culprit; the halfling.

He acted innocent, of course, but I knew better than to trust the only member of the table which was not heavily inebriated. I cast Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion on the abject thing until he passed out from the pain before I focused my attention on the problem at hand; three intoxicated humans.

Leaving the two males to their mutual buccal exploration, I took Miss Starshine by the hand and led her to our room, where she would be safe from humiliating herself. It was then that I discovered her good taste chose to awake only when she was not sober; as I was leading her up the stairs, she clumsily asked me if I could polymorph into Miko, before enumerating all the things she would like to do to her and to have done to her in return.

But the hint to today's surprise came soon afterwards, when we reached our room. As soon as I closed the door for privacy, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me repeatedly quite gauchely. I had known she was perfectly aware of whom she was locking lips with as she had moaned my name as she assaulted my mouth. I am not one to take advantage of anyone, especially not of my best friend, so I pushed her away from me and, when she tried to make contact again, for both of our sake, cast Sleep on her.

I cushioned her fall with my arms before laying her to rest on her bed. In her sleep, she began to voice slightly less disturbing thoughts ("Harder Roy, harder!") and, faintly relieved, I could go downstairs to deal with Elan and Sir Greenhilt.

Recalling this event made my recent discovery less surprising, but no less distressing. For, today, many weeks later, as I came to our room, I found Elan and Miss Starshine kissing avidly each other. The act itself was, of course, not surprising, though the place was certainly odd for Miss Starshine preferred to spend her special time with her boyfriend in his room. No, what was actually disquieting was that Elan was dressed as me, complete with a purple wig and a pair of fake pointy ears.

My yelp of surprise had brought their attention on me and they were staring awkwardly at me.

"Miss Starshine," I said, "if you wanted to taste my lips, you could just have said so."

As my shock very slowly disappeared to make me realize what words I had just pronounced, Miss Starshine stared at me. Then at Elan. Then at me again. Then at her lover again. And before I could even react, she unceremoniously shoved the bard out of the room, swiftly locked the door, expertly tackled me to the floor and kissed me with untold passion.

Later that night, I would discover exactly how high her Dexterity score is.

I have no regrets.


	4. Chapter 4

There are things I'm just not ready for.

Mind, I'm ready for many things. It's the staple of adventurers after all. I was ready to battle Xykon in Dorukan's dungeon. I was ready to fight him at Azure City. I'm ready to confront him once again in the future as many times as necessary to finally put him down. I'm ready for the return of the Linear Guild if any of the remaining members survived the fall of Azure City. I'm ready to face an undead Miko, reanimated by Xykon to haunt us and be a thorn in our side once more. I'm ready for Elan becoming even less incompetent. I'm ready for Belkar snapping and disrobing Vaarsuvius to finally know his or her gender. I'm ready for some misled madwoman with horrible taste to fall for our resident psycopath. I'm ready for Julia coming to my door one day saying, "I'm pregnant, and Elan's the father." Hell, I'm even ready for "Hi Roy! Your rogue buddy knocked me up!"

But I certainly wasn't ready to walk in on a male Vaarsuvius and a female Vaarsuvius making out passionately on the floor of their inn bedroom in their underwear.

I'd never have made this disturbing discovery if the inn's staff were doing their job well. They should have noticed the golden six-shaped insigna of the sixth room had lost its higher nail and thus was upside down and looked like a nine. My bedroom was the ninth. Vaarsuvius and Haley's was the sixth.

My reaction had been one of silent shock complete with a slack jaw, so the two elves hadn't noticed me and kept on lashing each other's tongue hungrily while their hands roamed over each other's nearly naked body.

Then my voice came back. "V-v-vaarsuvius!"

They froze and their eyes widened. They pulled away from each other and slowly turned their heads towards me, pale as a pair of ghosts.

They opened their mouths to speak at the same time, but I was faster. "No. No. **No**," I said, "I **don't** want to know. Not **ever**." I rubbed furiously the bridge of my nose. "I'm going to drink myself into an ethylic coma to forget this." With that I left two distressed elves trying to stand up.

I was in the tavern pretty quickly. It was almost empty, safe for Haley who was leaning against the counter, drinking some kind of wine.

She greeted me with a "hey."

"Did you know there were two Vs?" I asked her bluntly.

She raised an eyebrow but didn't answer. Instead, she lifted her tall glass to her lips and drank the crimson liquid very slowly until the glass was empty. She then put it on the counter.

"Oh, I've always known," she finally replied, walking towards me. I saw her smirk as she leaned in and placed her head besides my own. "And I've taken **full advantage** of it since the very beginning," she whispered devilishly in my ear.

I think my left eye twitched there.

"And, maybe, one day, we'll let you join in," she continued before leaning away to face me. I stared at her in complete shock, mouth agape and eyes as wide as saucers, before she giggled. "I'm pulling your leg, Roy."

I had barely started to regain my composure when she leaned in again and kissed my cheek. "Or am I?" she purred seductively before walking away, swinging her hips suggestively and winking at me.

Damn. I need a cold shower now.


	5. Chapter 5

"Where in the world is V?" Haley murmured to herself as she scoured the Weary Travelers inn's halls for the nth time. After a first unsuccessful search for the wizard with Durkon, they had decided to look for Vaarsuvius each on their own to increase their chance to find the elf; she looked in the inn while the dwarf checked the tavern and the tree-free immediate surroundings.

She had checked virtually every room in the hotel; first her own, then the men's and even Belkar's, where she'd found a voodoo doll of Miko full of daggers, which she'd stolen for her personal use. She had checked the other rooms, taken all visible valuable when Durkon wasn't looking and still hadn't found her friend. This left only the room of the personification of annoyance and arrogance. She of course didn't expect Vaarsuvius to be there, at least willingly, but maybe, just maybe, Miko could actually turn out to be useful for once in her stuck-up life.

She knocked the door of her room and waited, tapping her foot as the paladin took her time to answer; she didn't care if she was sleeping, she just wanted to be done with her inquiry as fast as possible. The door slowly creaked open just enough to reveal an inquisitive eye. It blinked twice, then the door was entirely opened and Haley saw a disgruntled Miko staring at her. "What do you want?"

The exhaustion coating her words surprised Haley. She had shown absolutely no sign of fatigue whatsoever since she'd met her, not even after fighting her party and helping defeating a whole tribe of ogres. She briefly wondered what could have tired so when her eyes drifted down.

Haley blushed when she realized Miko was wearing nothing more than a dark red towel, visibly wrapped around herself in haste and barely large enough to protect her modesty. Haley could feel envy and jealousy fill her as she subconsciously compared the paladin's flawless skin - damn that high Charisma! - to her own.

"What do you want?" Miko repeated, audibly irritated.

"Oh? Oh! I was wondering if you had seen..."

Haley's voice died in her throat as she became conscious of the light red, irregular scrawl on the crimson towel; elven runes. Her eyes widened as she stared dumbfounded at what she'd recognized as Vaarsuvius' cape.

Her gaze slowly drifted from the red cloth to the bed behind Miko. She squinted her eyes and suppressed a gasp when she saw a purple mop sticking out of the bedsheets.

"What. Do. You. Want?" Miko hissed, oblivious to Haley's train of thought.

"Nothing, good night!" Haley replied quickly before turning on her heels and walking down the hall as fast as she could.

Miko merely shook her head, muttered "Rogues..." and closed the door before making her way to her bed to snuggle with a trancing elf.


End file.
